To what extent do you wish to see BDSM become a part of your life? Bedroom only? Home only? All the time? –All are valid choices.
Personally, I prefer to have it infused throughout– overtly at home, subtly/privately in public. The challenge this sort of lifestyle presents can be significant, but the rewards are incredible when it is successful.
Here is my advice for creating the (very) basic groundwork for a successful lifestyle-esque bdsm relationship (as opposed to a full-fledged owner/slave relationship):
1. Have a philosophy and/or goal
What is the ultimate goal of the bdsm relationship? Sexual pleasure? Emotional support? Power exchange? Likely it will be a mix, but it’s good to try to hammer this down and verbalize it before trying to create a life around it. The clearer you are in your goals, the more likely you are to be successful in achieving them.
Personally, I prefer to have it infused throughout– overtly at home, subtly/privately in public. The challenge this sort of lifestyle presents can be significant, but the rewards are incredible when it is successful.
Here is my advice for creating the (very) basic groundwork for a successful lifestyle-esque bdsm relationship (as opposed to a full-fledged owner/slave relationship):
1. Have a philosophy and/or goal
What is the ultimate goal of the bdsm relationship? Sexual pleasure? Emotional support? Power exchange? Likely it will be a mix, but it’s good to try to hammer this down and verbalize it before trying to create a life around it. The clearer you are in your goals, the more likely you are to be successful in achieving them.
2. Create a structure
This may (and I highly suggest it does) involve rules/protocols. The day-to-day grind can make it difficult to stay focused. Rules help. Even when life gets crazy, a sub/slave can lean on and count on the rules to provide structure and guidance. The Dom can avoid the tedium of repetition and micromanagement if the rules clearly outline the standard expectations. If anyone would like a copy of my ‘house rules’, I’m happy to share them. But be prepared to update expectations/rules/rituals as needed.
3. Communicate
There has to be a clear and honest flow of communication for this lifestyle to work. Some ideas and desires just won’t hold up to every day wear and tear (and this is true for both Dom and sub). When it feels like things are strained or problematic, there has to be a way to talk it through. Create a time and space where those conversations happen– regularly. Ultimately, the Dom will most likely make final decisions, but for the long term health of the relationship, feedback is important.
4. Be prepared to be human
If my sub/slave is sick, then I’m damn well telling him to stay in bed while I bring him soup and take care of him. If I need to cry or mourn, I want to know that I can count on my sub/slave to understand that it doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I’m human. Don’t fall into the trap of believing you have to follow some rulebook for what it “means” to be Dom or sub.
5. Value each other – out loud
At least once a week, acknowledge what you’ve done for each other. The worst thing you can do is to begin to take your roles and relationship for granted. It will leave both of you feeling refreshed to hear that your partner values who you are and what you bring to the relationship.
~These are basic…but provide a good foundation on which you can begin building the relationship that’s right for you. No matter what amount of BDSM you decide is right for your life, I hope it brings you all sorts of fun and fulfillment :)
Best,
~Ms Kay
This may (and I highly suggest it does) involve rules/protocols. The day-to-day grind can make it difficult to stay focused. Rules help. Even when life gets crazy, a sub/slave can lean on and count on the rules to provide structure and guidance. The Dom can avoid the tedium of repetition and micromanagement if the rules clearly outline the standard expectations. If anyone would like a copy of my ‘house rules’, I’m happy to share them. But be prepared to update expectations/rules/rituals as needed.
3. Communicate
There has to be a clear and honest flow of communication for this lifestyle to work. Some ideas and desires just won’t hold up to every day wear and tear (and this is true for both Dom and sub). When it feels like things are strained or problematic, there has to be a way to talk it through. Create a time and space where those conversations happen– regularly. Ultimately, the Dom will most likely make final decisions, but for the long term health of the relationship, feedback is important.
4. Be prepared to be human
If my sub/slave is sick, then I’m damn well telling him to stay in bed while I bring him soup and take care of him. If I need to cry or mourn, I want to know that I can count on my sub/slave to understand that it doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I’m human. Don’t fall into the trap of believing you have to follow some rulebook for what it “means” to be Dom or sub.
5. Value each other – out loud
At least once a week, acknowledge what you’ve done for each other. The worst thing you can do is to begin to take your roles and relationship for granted. It will leave both of you feeling refreshed to hear that your partner values who you are and what you bring to the relationship.
~These are basic…but provide a good foundation on which you can begin building the relationship that’s right for you. No matter what amount of BDSM you decide is right for your life, I hope it brings you all sorts of fun and fulfillment :)
Best,
~Ms Kay
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