A good spanking is much more than physical– it is intensely psychological. Work with both elements together, and you will provide your sub with a spanking they won’t soon forget.
Before you read further, understand that this is for real-life spankings…not fantasy.
1. Why are you spanking?
There are many reasons for a spanking, and there’s nothing saying you can’t mix and match. But different motives will be best served by different methods. Some common reasons to spank:
fun
If your purpose is to punish, be sure that you do not mix pleasure with the spanking…or that the pain/discomfort overshadows any pleasure. Failure to do this will result in reinforcing the very behavior you seek to discourage.
If your purpose is pleasure-based, make sure you choose a comfortable spot for both of you, and set aside plenty of time for pauses and teasing.
2. Getting Ready
Now is the time to set the scene and prepare. First: where do you want the spanking to take place? This is a psychologically powerful activity– do you want your sub to associate this moment with the bedroom? Or something that highlights the domestic or casual tone, like the kitchen? Sometimes a spanking can be sensual, sometimes it can be business-like, and sometimes it can be a laughing, struggling, all-out brawl, depending on your tastes. Choose your location carefully to set the proper tone.
Second, what will you use to spank? Many Doms and subs imagine an over-the-knee (OTK) hand-delivered spanking. But…depending on your enthusiasm and your sub’s tolerance, this might not be a good idea. I’ve actually gotten bruises on my palms and had sore hands for days after a particularly fierce spanking. To avoid this, I usually have a ‘slapper’ or paddle to warm them up, and then when they’re tender, I switch to using my hand. Your mileage may vary.
Remember that spanking will often leave bruises or marks. Discuss this beforehand to make sure that your sub doesn’t have a doctor’s visit planned, for example, or plans to go on vacation where they’d be wearing skimpy clothing.
3. The Lead-up
The lead-up to the spanking is as important as the spanking itself. I will usually start with him fully clothed and grab him by the ear or hair and pull him firmly behind me to the place I’ve chosen to spank him. I make him stand in front of me and very clearly explain the purpose of the spanking. If the spanking is meant to be a punishment, it’s important that the reason for the punishment is made very clear before the spanking. At that point, regardless of the reason for the spanking, I require him to thank me for the time and attention I’m giving him by taking the time to spank him. I require him to admit that he needs/deserves/loves it.
At this point, I will put him into position. Sometimes he’ll be on all fours, sometimes bound, sometimes leaning onto a counter, sometimes across my legs…whatever I think will best reinforce the message and best allow me to deliver the spanking I wish to give him.
4. The Spanking
It’s important to understand the role that endorphins play when deciding how to go about the spanking. If you want it to hurt, aka, be punishment– then administer the spanking fast so that the endorphins don’t have time to kick in and dull the edge of the pain. For the most pain on impact, you’ll want something that will allow the air to flow through it: a slotted spatula, a leather slapper with holes, or your hand with fingers slightly spread apart. Hitting in the same spot over and over again will be more likely to make the pain last, but hitting in different spots will be more painful in the short term.
If you are seeking pleasure with pain, however, you will want to make this a slower, more leisurely process. Pausing between hits to caress, rub, or comment will allow for an emotional connection, and give endorphins time to kick in and make it more likely that they will reach ‘sub space’. For less sting on impact and more thud, go with implements that will not let air pass through: solid paddles, or your hand with fingers together.
When striking, it’s best to stay in the “meat” of the sub’s ass – and best of all is the “sweet spot” – that lovely rounded area just on the underside of the fullest part of the ass. Hitting in this spot will activate the most nerve endings and will allow for a longer, more satisfying session.
This is a good time to have your sub participate by counting, begging for forgiveness, or thanking you for each swat.
If this is your first time spanking, or their first time being spanked, keep the lines of communication open. Some people use safe-words, but a sub in the midst of emotional and physical intensity can sometimes forget the right word to say. Watch their body language and check in…ask them to verbalize for you.
5. After the Spanking
You have an important job as a Dom or Top, here. For many subs, spanking may bring up childhood issues, traumas, fears, or even guilt. Some subs find spanking to be an incredible, cathartic experience. Endorphins may have kicked in and they may be floating in sub-space and can even be non-verbal for a time. After one of my first spanking sessions, my sub couldn’t stop laughing all the while tears were streaming down his face. If I hadn’t known that sometimes this sort of thing happens, it would have been very unnerving :)
It’s very important that, as the Dom/Top, you provide appropriate aftercare. If this was a light, fun spanking (a few swats), that might just mean sending them to stand in the corner, or checking in with a smile and patting them on the head and telling them to go finish their chores. The longer and more intense the session, though, you will need to keep a close eye out for any emotional or physical repercussions. Even if this was a punishment spanking, a responsible Dom’s first concern is for her/his sub’s well-being. Make sure your sub is emotionally and physically ok before you send them away, dismiss, or leave them.
As I said– this is real-life– not fantasy or porn. In movies or fantasy bdsm, the harsh Mistress can whallop and beat on her slave for an hour, kick him as he lies on the floor, and then stomp out of the room without so much as a glance at her sub to check on his physical/emotional condition. In real life, that would be irresponsible and inappropriate, to say the least.
Personally, I find that after giving a good, long spanking, it’s the perfect time to bond with my sub. I let him put his head in my lap, or by my feet. I pet his head, or let him kiss my toes. He may tell me that he is sorry, or that he adores me, and I will tell him how much he has pleased me, etc…it is usually a great time for emotional connection. Of course, there are other times where we’re both so worked up that we engage in more energetic, sexual forms of bonding ;-)
So…there you are. I hope this was helpful in your quest for the perfect spanking! Enjoy!
~Ms Kay
Before you read further, understand that this is for real-life spankings…not fantasy.
1. Why are you spanking?
There are many reasons for a spanking, and there’s nothing saying you can’t mix and match. But different motives will be best served by different methods. Some common reasons to spank:
fun
- punishment
- role-playing
- age play
- establish dominance
- humiliation
- protocol
If your purpose is to punish, be sure that you do not mix pleasure with the spanking…or that the pain/discomfort overshadows any pleasure. Failure to do this will result in reinforcing the very behavior you seek to discourage.
If your purpose is pleasure-based, make sure you choose a comfortable spot for both of you, and set aside plenty of time for pauses and teasing.
2. Getting Ready
Now is the time to set the scene and prepare. First: where do you want the spanking to take place? This is a psychologically powerful activity– do you want your sub to associate this moment with the bedroom? Or something that highlights the domestic or casual tone, like the kitchen? Sometimes a spanking can be sensual, sometimes it can be business-like, and sometimes it can be a laughing, struggling, all-out brawl, depending on your tastes. Choose your location carefully to set the proper tone.
Second, what will you use to spank? Many Doms and subs imagine an over-the-knee (OTK) hand-delivered spanking. But…depending on your enthusiasm and your sub’s tolerance, this might not be a good idea. I’ve actually gotten bruises on my palms and had sore hands for days after a particularly fierce spanking. To avoid this, I usually have a ‘slapper’ or paddle to warm them up, and then when they’re tender, I switch to using my hand. Your mileage may vary.
Remember that spanking will often leave bruises or marks. Discuss this beforehand to make sure that your sub doesn’t have a doctor’s visit planned, for example, or plans to go on vacation where they’d be wearing skimpy clothing.
3. The Lead-up
The lead-up to the spanking is as important as the spanking itself. I will usually start with him fully clothed and grab him by the ear or hair and pull him firmly behind me to the place I’ve chosen to spank him. I make him stand in front of me and very clearly explain the purpose of the spanking. If the spanking is meant to be a punishment, it’s important that the reason for the punishment is made very clear before the spanking. At that point, regardless of the reason for the spanking, I require him to thank me for the time and attention I’m giving him by taking the time to spank him. I require him to admit that he needs/deserves/loves it.
At this point, I will put him into position. Sometimes he’ll be on all fours, sometimes bound, sometimes leaning onto a counter, sometimes across my legs…whatever I think will best reinforce the message and best allow me to deliver the spanking I wish to give him.
4. The Spanking
It’s important to understand the role that endorphins play when deciding how to go about the spanking. If you want it to hurt, aka, be punishment– then administer the spanking fast so that the endorphins don’t have time to kick in and dull the edge of the pain. For the most pain on impact, you’ll want something that will allow the air to flow through it: a slotted spatula, a leather slapper with holes, or your hand with fingers slightly spread apart. Hitting in the same spot over and over again will be more likely to make the pain last, but hitting in different spots will be more painful in the short term.
If you are seeking pleasure with pain, however, you will want to make this a slower, more leisurely process. Pausing between hits to caress, rub, or comment will allow for an emotional connection, and give endorphins time to kick in and make it more likely that they will reach ‘sub space’. For less sting on impact and more thud, go with implements that will not let air pass through: solid paddles, or your hand with fingers together.
When striking, it’s best to stay in the “meat” of the sub’s ass – and best of all is the “sweet spot” – that lovely rounded area just on the underside of the fullest part of the ass. Hitting in this spot will activate the most nerve endings and will allow for a longer, more satisfying session.
This is a good time to have your sub participate by counting, begging for forgiveness, or thanking you for each swat.
If this is your first time spanking, or their first time being spanked, keep the lines of communication open. Some people use safe-words, but a sub in the midst of emotional and physical intensity can sometimes forget the right word to say. Watch their body language and check in…ask them to verbalize for you.
5. After the Spanking
You have an important job as a Dom or Top, here. For many subs, spanking may bring up childhood issues, traumas, fears, or even guilt. Some subs find spanking to be an incredible, cathartic experience. Endorphins may have kicked in and they may be floating in sub-space and can even be non-verbal for a time. After one of my first spanking sessions, my sub couldn’t stop laughing all the while tears were streaming down his face. If I hadn’t known that sometimes this sort of thing happens, it would have been very unnerving :)
It’s very important that, as the Dom/Top, you provide appropriate aftercare. If this was a light, fun spanking (a few swats), that might just mean sending them to stand in the corner, or checking in with a smile and patting them on the head and telling them to go finish their chores. The longer and more intense the session, though, you will need to keep a close eye out for any emotional or physical repercussions. Even if this was a punishment spanking, a responsible Dom’s first concern is for her/his sub’s well-being. Make sure your sub is emotionally and physically ok before you send them away, dismiss, or leave them.
As I said– this is real-life– not fantasy or porn. In movies or fantasy bdsm, the harsh Mistress can whallop and beat on her slave for an hour, kick him as he lies on the floor, and then stomp out of the room without so much as a glance at her sub to check on his physical/emotional condition. In real life, that would be irresponsible and inappropriate, to say the least.
Personally, I find that after giving a good, long spanking, it’s the perfect time to bond with my sub. I let him put his head in my lap, or by my feet. I pet his head, or let him kiss my toes. He may tell me that he is sorry, or that he adores me, and I will tell him how much he has pleased me, etc…it is usually a great time for emotional connection. Of course, there are other times where we’re both so worked up that we engage in more energetic, sexual forms of bonding ;-)
So…there you are. I hope this was helpful in your quest for the perfect spanking! Enjoy!
~Ms Kay
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