INTRODUCTION TO SEXUAL TEASING AND DENIAL

Abstract

The purpose of this document is to provide a resource both as succinct and as comprehensive as possible on the subject of sexual teasing and denial, chastity play, and most other variations of BDSM play which focus on the participants’ sexual urges. It is intended primarily for the BDSM audience and more specifically to novice readers regardless of sex or orientation, although the authors do hope that more experienced readers will find this document useful as well. Feedback and suggestions are welcome.

Document Versions and Supplements

This document was originally composed as research for a presentation the authors gave. The information contained herein was produced into a small pamphlet (in Microsoft Word format) and the authors own presentation notes (also in Microsoft Word format). You are welcome to browse those documents as well.

Obviously, this document is not yet completed. It merely represents the research we’ve accumulated. Don’t consider this a finished piece.

Introduction to Sexual Teasing and Denial

In this document, the subject of sexual teasing and denial in a BDSM context is extensively explored. Much care was taken to ensure that the information herein is as broadly applicable as possible so that the techniques and knowledge discussed below would be beneficial to the widest audience. Nevertheless, because of the nature of teasing and denial, certain terms felt more appropriate to the authors than others. In these cases, the reader should keep an open mind and not take us too seriously.

Examples of this sort of semantic imperfection include the common use of the term submissive to refer to the person being teased and dominant to refer to the person doing the teasing. The terms bottom and top are also used occasionally to refer to the same roles, respectively. Additionally, since the authors’ own experiences are with male denial and female dominance, this document has taken that slant.

Note also that this document is strongly geared towards teasing and denial with at least two people. While solo-T&D is somewhat commonplace, most of the aspects relevant for a BDSM discussion do not exist in abundance when one is playing with teasing and denial alone.

What is sexual teasing and denial?

In the sexual realm, teasing and denial—often abbreviated as “T&D”—is the practice of subjecting someone to prolonged periods of sexual arousal while limiting the amount of orgasms that person will have. This can include an endless number of sexual situations, both mental and physical, from the prudish to the lewd to the bizarre. Sexual teasing and denial is so broad a topic because it is, in fact, an intensely personal subject. Each person has his or her own turn-ons. What might be arousing for one man may not be arousing for another. Similarly, what might be teasing one woman may have no effect on a second.

T&D is an activity strongly associated with a number of different kinds of play and activities, which are all variations on the same theme; play that focuses directly on one’s sexual drives. These variations include such forms of play as chastity, orgasm control (also called cum control), and behavior modification, to name a few. (See section 2, “Terminology,” for more detailed information on and to learn the distinctions between each term.)

Please note that for the sake of simplicity, this article will refer to the collective actions of these forms of play as teasing and denial, or T&D.

Why would people want to do this?

Because it’s sexy. If it’s not sexy for you or your play partner, then the authors highly suggest that you never bother with this stuff and go read something of more interest to you. For those still reading, T&D is often accompanied by many more feelings than simply sexual arousal. Read the following list and see if you can identify some of its items as things which come up during fantasies of or experiences with sexual teasing and denial play:

• Powerfulness
• Ownership
• Selflessness
• Submissiveness
• Foreplay
• Over-stimulation
• Begging
• Whimpering
• Heightened reactions
• Anticipation
• Controlling or being controlled
• Cruelty
• Humiliated
• Manipulated
• Fun
• Horny
• Challenge
• Being “good”
• Pleasure
• Sexy
• Feeling accomplished or satisfied

This paltry sampling is a peek into some of the emotions which come up during T&D play. We’ll explore these emotional aspects in more detail throughout the article. The bottom line is that T&D play is something people do because in one way or another it makes them feel good, fulfilled, and happy.

Who does this stuff?
A couple jokes about the fact that the man, who is chastised, gets off far less frequently than is common.Just like most other kinds of BDSM play, T&D is not limited to a specific group of people. Everyone who wants to can play this so-called game. At the bare minimum, all that’s needed to play is your mind and your body. You can play alone, in pairs, or in groups.

That said, while exact statistics are unreliable, it may surprise some to note that the vast majority of T&D and chastity play is done by male submissives and female dominants. There is also a very large community of gay male players. Indeed, it is safe to say that over 80% of the chastity belts and devices sold today are for male wearers1. The reasons for this may be two-fold:

The demand for male chastity devices is higher because it is usually men, not women, who seek devices to remain chaste. In fact, the first patented chastity devices were ones created for young boys. (See A Brief History of Chastity for more information.)

With current technology, it is easier to construct a device which will inhibit the male sexual organs from reaching the point of orgasm than it is to do the same for the female sexual organs.

As a result, most communities dedicated to the exploration and experience of T&D play is largely Femdom/malesub oriented. However, communities for other orientations do exist (see section 9, “Further Reading and Resources”) and there is a sizable population of female submissives and male dominants who also engage in various forms of T&D.

Teasing and denial is also very common online. It is perhaps one of the most common forms of BDSM activity, especially for novice players just beginning to explore erotic power exchange on the Internet. Since T&D can be very hands-off, it is well-suited to long-distance play.

A potential surprise for many openly kinky folks is the fact that large numbers of people who engage in T&D do not consider themselves kinky at all. Many people who are into chastity are not into the activities more commonly associated with the BDSM scene, such as flogging or bondage. Nevertheless, the aspects of dominance and submission, of pain and punishment, of bondage and discipline are very strongly and explicitly expressed in T&D play. In fact, prolonged T&D and chastity play in particular almost always go hand-in-hand with exceptionally powerful D/s overtones.

T&D’s highly sexual nature and intense focus on a distinct power discrepancy between the players tend to make it more suitable for more seriously involved partners. Couples who are married or who have longer-term relationships are more likely to engage in T&D than are people who have recently met one another. Additionally, male clients of professional female dominants sometimes engage in chastity play with their Mistresses.

It should also be noted that it is possible to engage in T&D on one’s own—without a partner—although, in that situation, all the elements of power exchange are lost. The practice of edging (repeatedly approaching and then backing away from an approaching orgasm) is one masturbatory method of teasing oneself or a partner. (See section 7, “A Glimpse at Teasing Methods” for more information on teasing.)

Where and when can we play?

There are almost no boundaries to where or when people may choose to engage in T&D play. Sliding a remote-controlled toy in your partner’s underwear and heading out for a night on the town counts, as does a marathon make-out session. However, as with who plays, there is a strong tendency to play with chastity and T&D in certain environments.

T&D is rarely seen out-and-out in public play places. T&D requires great trust, attraction, and intimate knowledge of your partner, and is thus not well suited for “pick-up play.” Its highly sexual nature usually keeps it within the confines of more controlled settings such as private play parties or homes. However, that does not mean that T&D can’t or doesn’t happen in public.

In some ways, T&D is more commonplace in public than in private because in a public setting one is often unable to relieve sexual tension. That couple on their first date at the restaurant may be totally hot for each other, but they’re made to wait until they have more privacy before acting on their sexual urges. The BDSM couple may take this example to the next step and the dominant may purposefully tease the submissive in whatever way is effective or desired throughout dinner.

How do we do it?

The basic principle behind T&D play is to sexually arouse your (usually submissive) partner (this part is the teasing) and then not enable him or her from reaching orgasm or some other desired goal (denial). What actions you take to create that situation, and how inventive you want to be, are entirely up to you. The classic (highly effective) example involves a bed, some lengths of rope, and usually some brand of personal lubricant.

Obviously, there are a couple points you should keep in mind in order to be successful:
Know how to turn your submissive partner on.
Observe his or her body carefully and learn to anticipate an approaching orgasm.

I’m sure the image of a tied up submissive, hands over their head, squirming and moaning from intense sexual arousal on a bed is already in your mind’s eye. If you’re of a dominant slant, I’m sure you understand how fun it would be to deny that submissive the release he or she desperately wants. If your tendencies are submissive, I’m sure you can imagine the lustful high that being bound and teased would bring.

The above is a very straight-forward formula for a classic T&D scene. However, variety is the spice of life and that scenario would become mundane before too long. This is where your imagination takes over and explores the myriad possibilities for fun with T&D play.

Perhaps next time you’ll use a vibrator in her. Maybe instead of tying his hands over his head, you’ll tie his hands in a position that almost lets him touch himself. Your imagination is the limit. Below in Sexual Teasing and Denial In Practice, we’ll delve a little deeper into the ins and outs of T&D play, which should get your imagination going.

Terminology

As was mentioned in the introduction, sexual teasing and denial covers a lot of ground. There are many facets to this particular kink and it is often used in conjunction with several other kinks. The following section gives you some basic terminology with which to discuss sexual teasing and denial and a brief overview of each of its facets. It will also explain the distinctions between the different, often related terms and give you a better understanding of the language the authors have used in this article.

Teasing and Denial (T&D)
Teasing and denial is the practice of subjecting someone (usually a sexually submissive partner) to prolonged periods of sexual arousal while limiting the amount of orgasms you allow him or her. When used to describe an individual scene or as a verb as in, “We did a T&D scene last night,” the implication is that the scene involved plenty of sexual stimulation in which the submissive was prevented from reaching orgasm for a certain length of time (though not necessarily altogether).

T&D also is the umbrella term covering all aspects of play involving the manipulation of a submissive or bottom’s sexual urges.

Chastity

In a kink context, chastity is the abstention from orgasm (though not necessarily other sexual activity) for an extended period of time. The amount of time is which is considered “extended” is individual. Chastity may be practiced with or without a chastity device and it may be enforced or voluntary.

Additionally, when a submissive is undergoing a period where his or her sexual behavior is restricted in some way he or she is said to be in chastity.

Chastity Belt (or Device)

A chastity belt is a mechanical device usually worn on the genitals which is intended to prevent sexual activity and, in some cases, orgasm.

Chastity belts for males usually employ a small tube that encloses the penis and prevents it from being touched or becoming erect. In the case of a belt-style device, the tube is attached to a set of bands which enclose the waist. In the case of a trapped-ball style device, the tube is attached to a ring worn behind the testicles. Some chastity belts require piercing the penis while others do not.

Chastity belts for females usually consist of a solid plate positioned in front of the vaginal opening attached to bands which encircle the waist.

Chastity devices which consist primarily or solely of piercings through the genitals are referred to as chastity piercings.

Orgasm control or cum control

There are two aspects of cum control:
To arouse a submissive who wants an orgasm without allowing that release.
To make a submissive who is attempting not to orgasm do just that, sometimes many times consecutively.

These reciprocal aspects can be used to great effect when combined. Telling a submissive that he or she may not orgasm or suffer a further period of chastity will place the submissive in quite a pickle.

The term cum control is sometimes used with the implication that the submissive or bottom will (eventually) be forced to orgasm.


(Sexual) Abstinence

Abstinence refers to the practice of self-denial. In most cases, chastity play without the use of a chastity device is, in fact, sexual abstinence play. In this form of chastity play the submissive may or may not be allowed to masturbate or otherwise stimulate herself.

Prostate milking (or “milking”)

Prostate milking (obviously a male-only technique) can be used for two purposes:
To intensify orgasm and increase the amount of ejaculate.
To “milk” a man dry, whilst denying him orgasm.

Milking in terms of chastity is concerned with orgasm denial, ejaculation without orgasm. A prostatic milking may be administered for any combination of reasons including:
To promote prostate health.
To arouse feelings of sexual frustration; milking technically lets men ejaculate, though at most it provides only dramatically reduced orgasmic sensation.
To instigate other emotions that the dominant wants to stir in the submissive. For instance, being milked can deepen the sense of being owned or controlled, or it may be humiliating, perhaps bringing up associations of being treated like an animal.

Cuckolding

In BDSM and T&D play, cuckolding is the act when a dominant partner (usually of a well-established relationship such as husband and wife) engages in sexual activity with a person other than his or her submissive partner. The word bears strong connotations of helplessness and humiliation, the implication being that the submissive is unable to stop the infidelity and longs for the attentions his or her dominant is showing the third person.

Most often in the T&D scene, cuckolding is linked with chastity play; for example, a woman will lock a chastity device on her husband and then engage in sexual activities with another man. As with all aspects of BDSM, this is consensual and part of the teasing and denial game. Cuckolding itself is sometimes strongly linked with other forms of play. Most common is race play in which the adulterous third is of a different race than the cuckold and where this fact is a major contributor to the humiliation of the cuckold.

Behavior Modification

A female keyholder relaxes and exclaims that all she had to do was lock her husband up to get him to go down on her.Behavior modification refers to the process of changing a submissive’s skills, attitude, or responses through the use of a planned set and schedule of reinforcements. These activities usually entail a combination of basic learning techniques such as conditioning, aversion therapy, biofeedback and reinforcement that rely on Pavlovian or instrumental or operant conditioning principles.

In this sort of play, the dominant uses the submissives’ sexual drive as a tool in a punishment/reward system to teach simple skills or alter undesirable behavior. One of its most common variations is to get lazy husbands to do more housework for the reward of sexual release.

Sexual Teasing and Denial In Practice

There is no single activity or series of actions which you must perform in order to incorporate T&D into your toy bag. There is no single instrument with which T&D can be applied. There is no single reason which explains why you would want to play with teasing and denial.

A T&D scene is all about creativity, imagination, and sexiness. In a T&D scene, the top has very different tools with which to work. Unlike a knife or a whip, with which you can really only do so much, the combinations for T&D are limitless.

Sexual teasing and denial can be an end in itself. Enthusiasts of this form of play can not imagine a better form of sexual enjoyment than to spend hours in a state of dizzying horniness or utter sexual control. For these people, arousal alone is what makes a sexual encounter replete with satisfaction. Whether or not orgasms enter the picture is another matter entirely.

Your Sexual Teasing and Denial Toy Bag

Dominants, tops, and teasers, listen up! At the bare minimum, your T&D toy bag must include the following items.

Knowledge of what arouses your tease-ee and the ability to turn him or her on (either through your words or your actions or, preferably, both).
The ability to communicate with him or her effectively.
The trust that you have earned from your submissive partner.
Creative thinking so as to devise ever more devilishly exciting future tease sessions.
These are the essentials, and we ask that you forgive us for stating the plainly obvious. You need to know what turns them on so you can make them squirm and beg for more, you need to be able to communicate with them in order to gauge your effectiveness, to garner new information, and to refine your skill. You need to be trusted so that your submissive will let you do this in the first place, and you need to be creative because the same thing always gets boring eventually.

Once you’ve gotten the basics down, you may want to progress to some more advanced topics. Optionally, you may choose to include any of the following in your T&D toy bag as well.

Sex toys such as

• Dildos
• Vibrators
• Anal plugs and/or beads
• Masturbation and fucking machines
• BDSM equipment like
• Restraints
• Gags
• Blindfolds
• Whips and floggers
• Electrical toys such as a TENS unit
• Paddles and crops
• A chastity belt or device (covered in more detail in “Chastity Belts and Devices”)
• Keep in mind that this is only a partial list of “toys” (suggestions, really) and that you are encouraged to add to this list as you like.

Additionally, once you’ve found them with your handy-dandy communication skills, you can start pushing emotional buttons to add any number of intense feelings to your teasing and denial play. Talk dirty, remind your submissive of their horniness through your words and actions. We would like to point out that this may be a golden opportunity for an orgasm of your own. Fantasies are the best starting point from which you can begin to explore your submissive’s sexual desires. His or her fantasies will reveal a lot about their emotional state and will give you more emotional buttons to push during a teasing session.

When you first begin playing with T&D, start in the realm of fantasy. More often than not, a direct approach works wonders in eliciting useful information. Ask your submissive if he or she has had any fantasies where T&D played a role. The responses to your inquiries will give you an idea of which buttons you can press, how you can press them, and what they will do.

One of the advantages of T&D for you as the dominant is that your control increases as the scene progresses (and as the submissive gets hornier and hornier). In this case, your best weapon and toy is to use the submissive’s own arousal against them. People will tell you things when they’re aroused that they wouldn’t otherwise. Use T&D scenes as an opportunity to find out your partner’s deepest, darkest secrets.

The Intensity of a Tease

How badly can you make your submissive want to orgasm? What can you get him or her to do to be granted release? These are questions of intensity.

There are numerous factors which affect the intensity of a tease session that are difficult if not impossible to quantify. The level of arousal, the degree of control a dominant exercises over a submissive and the emotions of both partners involved are all a part of a scene’s intensity. Since these are all highly personal factors, any given tease will ultimately come down to what turns you on the most.

There are only two major measurable factors in how intense T&D play will get. These factors are the length of denial (how long it has been since the submissive’s last orgasm) and the continuity of teasing (how much of that time span was spent in a state of sexual arousal). As a rule of thumb, the longer a submissive is kept unable to orgasm, the more intense his or her “need” will become.

Length of Denial

One of the great benefits of T&D scenes over most other forms of BDSM play is evident in the fact that a T&D “scene” can last for any arbitrary length of time—even forever.

Continuity of Teasing

Having orgasms is a matter of whether or not the dominant partner wishes them to be had, in what manner they will be achieved, and who will get them.

• To be more attentive to a partner or dominant.
• To increase sexual tension.
• To feel controlled.
• A feeling of 24/7 bondage.
• To avoid masturbation.
• To save sexual energy for a partner.
• To heighten awareness of denied sexual relief and pleasure.
• To refocus sexual behavior towards a specific act (such as intercourse) and/or away from another (such as solitary masturbation).
• To increase one’s sex drive.
• To feel a powerful sense of belonging.
• To enjoy greater pleasure by waiting.

A Glimpse at Teasing Methods

Ways of teasing are really only limited by the imagination. Quite obviously, the object of a good tease is to arouse the sub as much as possible while denying any sort of sexual release. One of the major benefits to such teases (and to T&D in general) is that it can introduce you to a wide variety of sexual practices since the focus of the activity has shifted.

We should also cover the differences between being denied and locked away for a long time without any stimulation (mental or physical), versus being locked up but released for frequent teasing sessions.

Prostate massage/milking

Rubbing the prostate of a male submissive can stir intense horniness. In order to tease him (as opposed to milking him), ensure that the pressure from the massage is not constant. Massage for a minute or two, then stop for a short while. Thirty seconds is likely to be long enough for his muscles to relax. Repeat this cycle for as long as you wish. The less predictable your pattern of massage is, the better.

One exceptionally effective means of stimulating many men is through their prostate. The prostate has been sometimes referred to as the “male g-spot” because it can be stimulated to increase sexual arousal. Prostate stimulation can cause men to ejaculate more semen with more force during an orgasm. Needless to say, this feels pretty amazing. However, as such a sensitive and central male sexual organ, it can also be used to frustrate and tease men, quite literally, forever. First, a super-quick anatomy lesson: the prostate is a small marble- to walnut-sized gland that sits just below the urine bladder. The prostate is also a small muscle which acts as a pump, propelling semen through the urethra and out the penis during an ejaculation. One of the primary reasons an orgasm feels pleasurable for men is because of this muscle contraction. You can stimulate the prostate in two ways. The first is by putting pressure on the center of your perineum, the length of skin that runs from the back of the scrotum (where your testicles are) to your anus. This pressure also squeezes the ampulla, which is basically a smaller bladder positioned beneath the prostate that holds sperm just prior to ejaculation. The second way to stimulate the prostate is through the rectum. Insert a finger (or anal dildo) into the anus and press it against the front wall of the rectum, that is, press it towards the penis and belly. Slide your finger further into the rectum against the front wall until you feel a small, relatively hard lump. That’s the prostate. If you continue to slide even further into the rectum, you’ll find that you can actually put pressure behind the seminal vesicles, squeezing them. This is useful for several reasons. First, because prostate stimulation can really turn guys on, but most men can not orgasm through prostate stimulation alone. Some kind of penile stimulation is usually needed to reach orgasm. Simply deny him this stimulation and you can make him go crazy without ever touching his dick. Teasing in this way works exceptionally well for men who are wearing chastity devices that limit access to their genitals. The second reason this information is useful is both a tease reason and a health reason. If you’re going to experiment with long-term male chastity, you need to be aware of the health risks that prolonged non-ejaculation can cause. Men who do not ejaculate for extended periods of time (the jury’s still out on what, exactly, “extended periods of time” should mean) face the risk of experiencing weakening of the prostate’s musculature–which can cause difficulties in emptying the gland’s contents–and an oversupply of prostatic fluid within the gland–which can lead to several problems itself, including prostatitis (painful inflammation of the gland in a not-fun way) and even an increased risk for prostate cancer. So to minimize these risks, the prostate must be emptied (or “milked”) in periodic intervals. Milking is not only good for health reasons, but it can be used to further intensity teasing and prolong male orgasm denial indefinitely. By rhythmically massaging the prostate and the surrounding glands you can trigger these glands to release their contents (prostatic fluid from the prostate, semen from the seminal vesicles, and sperm from the ampulla). The twist is that the release of these fluids don’t necessarily have to include muscle contractions or pleasurable orgasms. In other words, a man can ejaculate without experiencing orgasm. And that can be utterly frustrating.

Figging: reportedly especially effective on female submissives for stirring sexual need.